Blue
by ArtificialRed
Summary: My own angsty take on Abby being pregnant. PG-13 for language.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own ER or the characters thereof; I just like to play with them. Please don't sue me for I have no money to take. By the way, I hate disclaimers....  
  
Note: There have been several stories about Abby being pregnant, (I love them all, by the way. I love to see Abby happy). So I've decided to write my own story about what I think it would really be like. I think I'll tell it from Abby's point of view. Set late in season seven.  
  
~  
I hate the color blue. It was my favorite color almost my whole life because it was so soothing. But now it's staring back at me, sitting there on the end of a tiny stick with a message of doom, telling me my life's about to turn upside down.  
  
I hate the color blue...  
  
"Abby? Abby did you hear me?" Kerri Weaver asks me in her usual "I'm the boss" tone. And no, I didn't hear her.  
  
"What? I'm sorry," I reply.  
  
"There's an old man in Exam 2 who needs some stitches," she says as she hands me the chart.  
  
I take the chart without further acknowledgement and let my mind wander back to my previous distraction; did I throw the box away? I should have burned it, then I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not Luka might find it. I'll just tell him I want to be alone tonight and pray that he doesn't get too suspicious.  
  
"Mr. Bellman?" I ask as I enter the room.  
  
"It's about goddamn time," is he "cheerful" reply. I don't bother to introduce myself, but instead go straight to the mind numbing work. I've stitched so many people I'd bet money that I could do it with my eyes closed. So I do the next best thing, I let my mind wander again.  
  
How the hell could I be pregnant? The damn condom must have broke. Yeah, I remember now. That's exactly what happened. Fucking latex.  
  
So now I just have to decide what to do. No I don't. I already know what to do.  
  
There was a reason I chose to be an OB nurse. I wanted to be around babies but I didn't want to have my own. I've never wanted my own. I never even played with baby dolls growing up because I was so against the idea of being a mother. I hated my mother, why would I want to be like that?  
  
I really only have one option then, and it really depresses me because I never thought I would consider it. Ideally I would put my child up for adoption so it could be in what I know would be a loving home. But the problem is Luka. It would make him so happy to have a kid again, and he'd probably strangle me before he let me give it up. And for the sake of his happiness and my sanity, I can never let him know.  
  
God, I need a cigarette.  
  
"All right Mr. Bellman, all done," I say happily. "I'll get a doctor in here to discharge you."  
  
I peel my gloves off with a snap and make a beeline for the elevator. When I open the door to the roof, the crisp air smacks my face and I instantly calm down. God, I love the roof. I light up my cigarette as I make my way to the edge.  
  
Since I've been in the ER, this has been the best part of my workdays, just standing by the edge of the building and letting the cold air twist around my body. It's the best thing I've ever felt.  
  
"Mind if I join you?" came a voice from behind me, and I recognize it instantly. It's John, my good, good friend John.  
  
"Not at all," I reply.  
  
"So what's bothering you? You've been in a daze all day. Not to mention the way you bolted up here, and I know you only come here when you're stressed. So what's up?"  
  
I can tell Carter anything.  
  
"The test was positive," I say as I take another puff.  
  
"What test?"  
  
"The pregnancy test." He pauses for a while with a look on his face that I can't discern. I can't tell if it's shock or disappointment. It's probably both.  
  
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" he asks. Always the supportive friend that Carter.  
  
"It's very bad." I take an even bigger puff.  
  
"What does Luka think?" For some reason, he always has trouble saying his name.  
  
"Nothing. I haven't told him, and I'm not going to."  
  
"So you're not going to keep it."  
  
"God no," I say laughing an angry laugh, finally breaking the cool exterior I had been keeping. "There's no way in hell I'm going to have a kid. I don't want one, I never have."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"You've met my mother. Take a guess," I snap, immediately regretful for doing so. He was only trying to understand. He didn't deserve that. But I'm too stressed right now to apologize.  
  
"Do you want me to make you an appointment somewhere?" he asked, still being supportive.  
  
"No, I can do it myself, thanks. But, when the time comes, do you think you could come with me? I don't think I could do it alone."  
  
"Of course," he says. He puts his arm around me and rubs it up and down my own, trying to make me warm. It's then that I realize I've been shaking.  
  
"Luka can never find out," I say. "He'll hate me if he finds out."  
  
"You don't need to worry about it," he says back, still rubbing.  
  
"How can I do this to him?" I ask as I burry my head in his chest. I don't cry though. I never cry in front of people.  
  
"It's your choice too," he explains. "If you don't feel you can be a mother, then he can't force you to have a baby."  
  
He always makes me feel better. He's a great guy. And so I get the reassurance I've been craving. I'm doing the right thing. Though the truth is, I don't think I'll ever believe this is the right thing. I'm going to completely betray Luka, the man I'm supposed to love. I'm going to prevent a life from happening. What if I could be a good mother? What if I'm only going to do this because I'm afraid?  
  
I am afraid. Mostly afraid that I won't ever be able to look Luka in his big brown eyes again. I'm going to hate myself even more than I already do if I do this to him.  
  
But hey, what's a little more hatred towards myself? That's nothing in my world.  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

*Thanks for the reviews, everyone! I actually hadn't planned on writing anymore, but I got such a big response that I've decided to add some more. :)  
  
*Disclaimer: You know the drill.  
  
  
~  
The clinic looms over us like a consuming shadow. My heart's pounding. I can't believe what I'm about to do.  
  
I squeezed Carter's hand a little harder than I had been holding it before.  
  
"Are you ready to go in?" he asks. I hesitate for a moment. How can anybody ever be ready for this?  
  
But I press my lips together and nod my head instead. I put my head down as I walk through the door he has held open for me. This is so humiliating.  
  
"Come on Abby," he says. "I'll sign you in and you can go sit down." This is the most comforting man I've ever known.  
  
I sit down, and the plastic chair is so cold against my back. I quickly glance around the room, not wanting to make eye contact with anyone else. It seems as though none of the other women want to make eye contact either. I'm so embarassed to be here. An OB nurse doesn't belong here.  
  
"It shouldn't be much longer now," Carter tells me as he sits down next to me and puts his arm around me. He rubs my arm in the same comforting fashion that he did the day he found out I was pregnant.  
  
And now we're waiting, and to me it seems like an eternity.  
  
"So what was your excuse?" he asks.  
  
"Excuse for what?" I question in return.  
  
"For getting the time off work?"  
  
"I just said I had a doctor's appointment. What about you?"  
  
"I told Kerry it was a family matter. That was enough for her I guess."  
  
Someone's name is called, and I watch as a woman walks past those swinging doors with her head down. I'm the only one left in the waiting room now. I'm going to be next. I think my heart's going to jump out of my chest. Maybe somehow Carter knew how I felt, because he pulled me closer. I can't get over how supportive this guy is.  
  
"You okay?" he whispers.  
  
"Yeah," I say with a smile and looking straight into his eyes. "I just want this to be over with."  
  
More silent time passes.  
  
"Abby Lockheart?" a woman in blue scrubs calls.   
  
Jesus, that's me. I'm actually here about to do this to a baby inside of me.  
  
"Do you want me to go in with you?" Carter asks me.  
  
"I can't do this John," I say as I start to panic. "No, I can't do this."  
  
"Are you sure?" he asks, looking me dead in the eyes. He doesn't want me to regret it later.  
  
"I'm sure. Please get me out of here."  
  
He nods his acknowledgement before addressing the nurse.  
  
"We need to cancel," he tells her. She gives him a look full of attitude.   
"Not today alright?" he snaps back.  
  
He helps me up and we make our way out of there quickly. By the time we're inside his car I've started to cry, which makes me even more mad at myself. I've never cried in front of anyone before, ever.  
  
"I'm so sorry John," I whimper. "I just couldn't do it. I can't do it."  
  
"Shhh," he says, pulling my head to his shoulder. "I understand. You don't have to do anything you're not ready for Abby. It's alright."  
  
I cry on his shoulder for a few minutes more before I realize that I'm starting to get hysterical, you know, the kind of crying where you can't even breathe anymore. He whispers to me to calm down, continually telling me that "it's alright."  
  
I manage to take a few deep breahtes to make myself calm down. I pull away from his shoulder and wipe my eyes on my shirt sleeve.  
  
"What am I going to do?" I ask, that damn lump still in my throat.  
  
"I can't tell you that," he replies. "But whatever you do decide, I'll be there for you, okay?"   
  
I nod as I wipe my nose. Tears had rolled down on it.  
  
"Do you want me to take you home?" he asks.  
  
"No. People will think somethings wrong if I don't go back to work."  
  
"I really think you need some rest, Abby." I always feel better when people say my name. It reminds me that I'm actually alive.  
  
"Thanks John," I reply, "but I'll be fine. I've gone to work when I've felt worse than this."  
  
"So are you going to tell Luka now?"  
  
"I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do."  
  
He just smiles at me. That's all I needed to feel better. 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: See chapter 1  
  
~  
It's about midnight, but of course I'm awake. Luka's lying next to me, but of course he's sound asleep. He must have been exhausted after what we just did. I smile at the thought of that. I love making love to Luka. It's the only time I can really loose myself in a moment. Sometimes he says things to me in Croatian. I don't know what he's saying, but it still drives me wild. He's the best lover I've ever had.  
  
But now he's asleep and I'm left alone with my thoughts again. I don't want this baby, but I can't bring myself to abort it. I can't bring myself to tell Luka either. I know it would make him so happy, and then I wouldn't have any choice but to have it. How could I take that kind of happiness away from him? If anyone deserves a chance to be happy it's Luka. But at the same time I know I won't be a good mother. I would only let him down.  
  
I still have a little more time to decide.  
  
~  
"There's a GSW to the chest on it's way in," announces Halle. I moan in frustration. It's been nonstop today in the ER. On top of that, Luka's in charge, and he likes to have me with him in traumas. I guess it's because he knows I'll do what ever he asks, which I do. Not because I'm sleeping with him, but because he's the doctor, and I'm just a nurse.  
  
A few minutes later the EMS team burst threw the doors with a young man on a gurney. There's a cop following them, and the victim is screaming and trying to fight everyone off.  
  
"Leave me alone! I don't need no help!" he shouts.   
  
"Yeah right, kid. Your blood's leaving a trail on our floor," I think to myself as I join Luka and Carter by the gurney. We take it over and the EMS team leaves. The cop stays. We wheel him into Trauma 1 and the dance begins.  
  
"Still feel like a big man?" the cop taunts the young man. "Where's your gang now, huh? Yeah, they left you at the first sign of trouble. Some family, huh?" This only pisses off the kid more, and Luka gives me that "take care of him" look that all the doctors have mastered.  
  
"Officer," I say as I walk around Lilly. "I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the room." I touch my hand to his back and start to direct him towards the door.  
  
"Damn gang-bangers. They all deserve to be shot," he mumbles as he pushes through the swinging doors. I don't think he meant for me to hear that.  
  
When I turn my attention back to the dance, I notice that Malik and Carter are having a hard time holding the kid down so Luka can sedate him. Malik asks me if I can hold an arm down while he goes and holds the feet down. I agree.  
  
I go and grab his arm and try to hold it down with all my strength. Even though he's in restraints, he's still able to move around a lot. He's a strong guy for someone who's bleeding as much as he is.  
  
I guess the restraint around the arm I was trying to hold wasn't very strong, because before I realize what's happening, he's reached up and grabbed the hair on the back of my head. Before anyone has time to stop him, he yanks me down towards him, ramming the sidebar of the gurney into my stomach. It's some of the worst pain I've ever felt.  
  
Luka reacts fast and takes his hand out of my hair and then stabs that arm with a needle. The kid yells, but then starts to calm down. I myself fall to the ground holding my belly.  
  
"Abby, are you all right?" Luka asks me frantically.  
  
"I'm okay," I reply, though I'm betrayed by the sound of pain in my voice.  
  
"Are you sure?" Carter chimes in. He looks pissed that Luka hasn't run over to help me yet. I'm not mad though. Luka can't leave a dying kid to look at me, someone who's obviously not dying.  
  
"I'm fine I just-"   
  
I don't finish, I run to the bathroom instead. I'm in terrible pain, and now I've started cramping. I have a bad feeling about this.  
  
I drop my pants the second I get into a stall. Luckily I'm the only one in the bathroom. I don't want them to see what I think is happening.  
  
Just what I thought. There's blood in my underwear, and I'm still bleeding. I sit down on the toilet and rock back and forth. I'm praying that it'll stop, but it doesn't. I'm getting very light headed.  
  
I think I might be ready to pass out, so I stand up and pull my pants back up. I don't want to be found past out on the bathroom floor naked from the waste down. But I don't faint. Instead my legs give out from under me. I manage to catch myself with my hands before my head hits the ground.  
  
Now I'm crying. This is so painful and it's the last thing I wanted to happen.  
  
There's a knock at the door.  
  
"Abby?" calls Luka in his wonderful accent. "Abby are you alright? What's going on?" He must have been finished with the kid.  
  
I don't answer. I just lay there on the floor crying. I don't want him to see me like this.  
  
"Abby?" he calls again, and when I still don't answer he comes into the bathroom to find me. I can hear his footsteps slowly making their way toward me.  
  
"Oh my God, Abby!" he exclaims as he burst open the stall door.   
  
He scoops me up in his strong arms and proceeds to take me out of the bathroom and towards what I assume is a trauma room.  
  
"Please don't," I cry. "I don't want them to see me like this."  
  
He doesn't listen. He only cares about my health right now.  
  
I can hear voices whispering and gasping as Luka parades me by them. I can't understand what they're saying, but I have an idea.  
  
He lays me down on a gurney and suddenly there's a bright light in my face. Just as suddenly, Carter's face blocks out the light.  
  
"Abby," he says, "have you had any cramping?"  
  
"Why even ask?" I complain, still crying. "You know damn well what's going on. I'm having a miscarriage."  
  
Everything seems to stop after that. If it wasn't for the damn light maybe I could've seen Luka's reaction. I hope he's all right.  
  
"Call Dr. Coburn," is all I hear him say.  
  
All the frantic motion stops. There's no need for it now. All anyone can do is wait until this thing finishes itself and make sure I don't bleed too much. I think everyone sensed that we should be alone, because everyone left but Luka. Carter squeezed my hand just before he left.  
  
"Did you know you were pregnant?" Luka asks me. I just nod. "How long have you known?"  
  
"A couple weeks," I say, casting my eyes to the floor. I'm afraid he's about to ask me the question I don't want to answer.  
  
"When were you going to tell me?" Not quite it, but close enough.  
  
"I don't know," is my reply.  
  
"Were you going to tell me at all?" Bingo! There it is.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Is it mine?"  
  
"Of course it's yours!" What the hell kind of question was that?  
  
"Then why didn't you tell me?" He's getting more and more frustrated.  
  
"Because I wasn't sure if I wanted it." I bet that blew his shorts off.  
  
I can tell he's having a hard time finding what to ask next.  
  
"How can you not want a child?" he finally says.  
  
"Because I'm afraid of what a bad mother I'd be. How can I be a good mother when I was raised by someone who would chase me with knives? How can I be a good mother when the only example I've ever had was someone who was completely out of their mind?"  
  
"I think you'd be a good mother," he says. I surprised at how calm he is.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I've seen you with children. You're great with them. Besides, parenting is a natural instinct."  
  
"Well, my mother didn't have it, what makes you think I will?"  
  
"Because I know you."  
  
"Look Luka. I didn't want this baby. I just didn't have the guts to do anything about it."  
  
"You were going to abort our baby?" He makes it sound ten times more horrible when he says it like that. But what the hell, he deserves to know.  
  
"I made it all the way to the clinic but turned back. But believe me when I tell you that I didn't want anything like this to happen."  
  
He doesn't say anything. He just starts to leave.  
  
"Please Luka. Don't go." I've started crying again. I know that if he leaves this room he most likely won't ever speak to me again.  
  
"How can I ever look at you again when you were going to kill my child?"  
  
"I didn't do anything."  
  
"You were going to. Isn't that just as bad?"  
  
"Please! Luka!"   
  
But he ignores my begging and leaves the room, leaving me there to bleed and cry in solitude.  



	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: See chapter 3, which tells you to see chapter 1. But you probably don't care anyway.  
  
*I know this chapter's short, but I need to write the next part form a different viewpoint and it would just be confusing if I tacked it on at the end of this section.  
  
~  
It's been a two weeks since I lost the baby, and Luka hasn't spoken to me since that day. Every once in a while I catch him looking at me, but I know he's only staring out of disgust. He hates me, but I don't blame him.  
  
It's especially hard because the only time I see him is at work. All our coworkers must be seeing all this. I'm sure they all know the story by now, how evil ol' Abby wanted to kill Luka's baby. They all hate me, but I don't blame them.  
  
I've only been back for a few days, but it's been really hard. There are only two people who look at me the same anymore. Dr. Weaver's one, and I attribute that to her being a professional in the work place. See's never been one to let her opinion of someone affect how she treats them at work, well, at least since I've been here.  
  
And the other of course is Carter. He has stood by me since the beginning, and that's what makes him a good friend. He's the only one who knows my side of the situation.  
  
Mostly I'm upset because Luka won't let me explain. He's blinded by rage, or hurt. All he can see is that his chances of being a father were squelched by me. I'm the one who went to a clinic to get rid of it, but of course he completely ignores the fact that I left crying and still pregnant. I didn't want to loose the baby the way I did, and I think he knows that. But no matter what he's never going to forget the fact that I wanted to get rid of it.  
  
~  
"So how's everything going?" Carter asks me as I scribble something on a chart.  
  
"It's okay," I reply. "I know I've been back for a few days but it stills feels like everone's staring at me."  
  
"What about Luka?"  
  
"He still won't talk to me, but I guess I can understand why."  
  
"Abby?" calls a voice. I've been dying for that voice to say my name. I glance over at Carter and then quickly made my way over to Luka.  
  
"Yeah?" I ask, trying not to sound to eager. I can't believe he spoke to me!  
  
"Dr. Coburn called down and was wondering if you could work up in OB today. I told her you would, so you need to head up there." I see. I'm just an employee now.  
  
"Did you clear it with Weaver?" I asked.   
  
"Her shift just ended. I'm in charge." I just nod my head in compliance.  
  
God! I just want to grab him by his face and make him listen! I didn't do it, Luka! I couldn't do it!  
  
But instead I just walk back over to Carter.  
  
"What'd he say?" Carter asks.  
  
"He's sending me to OB. He said they need me up there."  
  
"I'm sorry, Abby. I wish I could do something."  
  
"I don't think either of us can do anything about it. It's up to Luka whether or not he wants to let me back in his life."  
  
"Do you want to go get some dinner tonight? We can talk about it," he suggests.  
  
"No thanks. I just want to go home and spend some quality time with a gallon of chocolate ice cream."  
  
"Okay then," he smiles. "If you need anything, just page me."  
  
~  
I think I know why Luka was so eager to send me up here to OB. I'm surrounded by happy families and babies, and now I'm forced to think about what I wanted to do. I'm forced to see a new baby and think that I wanted to get rid of my own. This is torture for me, and I think Luka knew it would be.  
  
Right now I'm cleaning off a brand new baby. He was born just a few minutes ago. His mother's still in the hospital bed with his father by her side. They're crying from joy.  
  
"Mr. and Mrs. McCroy," I say, "you have a beautiful little boy. He's six pounds, nine ounces and nineteen inches long."  
  
It is a beautiful little boy, I'm not just saying that to be nice. He keeps stretching out his little legs and arms as I wipe off his forehead. He has a lot of dark hair and he's blinking in the new light. This is why I love working up here; tiny hands and tiny feet. Babies amaze me, but that still doesn't mean I want my own.  
  
I finish cleaning him and hand him over to his father, who had yet to hold him. It's their first child, and their overwhelming joy seems to fill the room. But that still doesn't mean I want my own.  
  
It wouldn't be a happy occation for me. I don't want a life to depend on me. I would live my life in shear fear of whether or not I was going to go crazy like my mom. Would my child grow up to be crazy? What if somebody ever tried to hurt them? What if Maggie tried to hurt them like she once tried to hurt me? What if they grew up to hate me?  
  
I'd just as soon not deal with it. I'd be sparing me the fear and my child a life of misery like I had. No one should have to deal with having me as a mother. That would be plain cruel.  
  
I made up my mind a long time ago. Even the torture of being surrounded by happiness and babies won't make me change my mind. I was never cut out to be a mother, so I'm never going to be one. I have enough trouble taking care of my own mother. 


	5. 

*I know I said I was going to write this chapter from a different point of view, but after I read what I wrote I decided to change it. I couldn't get into the other person's head as easily as I can Abby's. So this chapter will still be from her point of view, and I hope it makes sense. :)  
  
~  
This is it. If he's going to be a stubborn ass about things, then I might I well try to do something about it myself. I mean, if I could just get him to listen to me, maybe then he'll understand. Maybe then he might try to forgive me. I hope he listens, because I can't go on like this for much longer. I can't stand to have him hate me.  
  
Okay. Here I go.  
  
"Luka, can we talk?"   
  
He just glances up from the chart he's looking at. That's the coldest face I've ever seen him put on.  
  
"I think we need to talk," I say again.  
  
"I'm too busy to talk," he says just before he walks off.  
  
Jesus! Why won't he hear me out? I didn't go through with it, for God's sake!  
  
Here it comes; the lump in my throat that I had been expecting. My lips are starting to quiver and I know I won't be able to hold back the tears for much longer. I need to get outside, but it takes to long to get to the roof, so I bolt out the front doors instead. I don't care if he sees me and how much he's upset me. He probably doesn't care anyway.  
  
The Chicago wind hits me in the face, and that makes the lump retreat. Some people complain about the exhaust in the air, but I don't mind it. It helps me calm down.  
  
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Once again I've successfully avoided crying in front of people. That's a good thing.  
  
"Are you all right?" comes a voice from beside me. Good ole Carter.  
  
"Yeah. I'm okay now," I tell him.  
  
"So what happened?"  
  
"I decided to try and talk to Luka. Big mistake, although I had a feeling he'd refuse. Well, at least I tried."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"It's just that I know if I could only make him hear my side of the story then things would be better between us. But the stuborn ass won't listen. He hates me, Carter. He really hates me. I don't know what to do anymore."  
  
That stupid lump's coming back and it's making it hard to talk. My eyes are watering, so I wipe them. I don't know if it was tears or not, but I think Carter thought they were. He lets out a sigh and then began to march inside.  
  
"Hey, Carter," I call out. "Where are you going?"  
  
He doesn't answer, so I follow him inside. Once I'm through the doors I see that he's heading straight for Luka. Shit! What's he gonna do?  
  
"Dr. Kovac, could I have a moment with you?" he asks him. He sounds like he's trying not to sound angry, but he's failing.  
  
"I'm actually rather busy right now, Carter. Can it wait?" Luka retorts.  
  
"No," Carter replies. "I've been holding this back long enough."  
  
By now everyone has stopped to watch them. This should provide the nurses with good gossip for at least two weeks.  
  
"Fine," says Luka as he rests the bottom of the chart he's holding on his thighs. It's a classic Luka pose.  
  
"All right then, you're an idiot," says Carter shocking everyone, but especially me. I'm beginning to think I shouldn't be standing here, but now it would only be more conspicious if I walked away.  
  
"Excuse me?" barks Luka, obviously perturbed by Carter's comment.  
  
"You're an idiot," he repeats. "You're blowing everything you have with Abby because you're to proud to listen to her and realize that maybe she had a good reason for feeling the way she did. You're to proud to realize that maybe you're not the one whose right."  
  
"She should have come to me," he tells him. "She had no right to make that kind of decision without me."  
  
"Maybe so, but she knew that the second you heard about it that she wouldn't have a choice anymore. She knew you'd force her to be something she doesn't feel she can be. Think about it, Luka. She was afraid of you."  
  
"That doesn't change the fact that she should have come to me," Luka argued again. Apparently that's all he's got.  
  
"Are you going to hold that against her forever? Do you know how many people would kill to get a shot at a woman like Abby?" Carter hesitates for a moment, looking back at me. "I would kill for a shot at Abby," he then tells Luka.  
  
Oh Jesus Carter! I had no idea.  
  
"And even though you treat her like crap," he continues, less angry than before, "for some reason she likes you. For some reason you make her happy. And before all this she made you happy too. I can't stand by and watch you throw all that away. You're going to regret it."  
  
"This isn't your business, Carter," Luka says coldly before walking away.  
  
I am dumbfounded. I know I must look like an idiot standing there in the middle of the entryway. Cater looks at me for a moment, and then he walks away too.  
  
I'm still standing there, and the only thing that makes me eventually move is the sound of a siren in the ambulence bay who knows how many minutes later. I need a drink, but I'll have to settle for some cold coffee instead. I think I'll go to the roof.  
  
~  
The roof is always extra windy, and I like it like that. I love to be cold. It dulls my senses.  
  
That was definitly one of the most embarassing moments of my life. I don't know how I'm going to face all my coworkers. As if things weren't akward enough already. Maybe I can get a transfer to Mercy or something. Maybe I can drop off the face of the earth.  
  
Time's going by very fast up here. I hope no one's looking for me downstairs. The last thing I need is to get in trouble with Weaver over work. But then again, maybe she'll fire me. Right now, that would solve all my problems.  
  
My coffee's gone now, so I throw the cup off the building. The wind catches it and it goes soaring off into the distance. Too bad the wind can't carry me off like that.  
  
"How are you doing?" asks a voice. It has Luka's thick accent.  
  
"Listen," I say as he positions himself next to me. "I didn't ask Carter to talk to you. He did that all on his own, so don't blame me for it."  
  
I keep my eyes facing straight ahead. I know that if I look at his face I'll loose what little composure I have left.  
  
"I know that wasn't your doing," he replies.  
  
"So what do you want?" I ask, still looking ahead.  
  
"I think I'm ready to talk now," is his answer. Well it's about god-damn time. Although now my stomach's doing jumping-jacks. I wasn't expecting this. What am I going to say?  
  
"Okay." Yes, that's my brilliant answer.  
  
"Were you really scared to tell me about the baby?" He's being very sincere. There isn't a hint of animosity in his voice anymore.  
  
"Yeah." Yet another brilliant answer full of depth.  
  
"But why?"  
  
"Because it would make you so happy," I say. I must have regained my speach. But stupid me, I looked at him. Bye bye composure.  
  
Oh well. Maybe it will do me some good to be emotional.  
  
"And you don't want me to be happy?" he asks. The thought that I don't want him happy seems to offend him.  
  
"I do want you to be happy, it's just that I knew that I wouldn't have a choice but to have the baby once you knew about it. I never could have taken that away from you. I just know that I can't be a mother. I'm not cut out for it, and I don't want to be. You would've been happy with a baby, but I wouldn't. I'd be so afraid of becoming my mother. I'd let you down, I know I would."  
  
"You don't know that for a fact," he contested.  
  
"True, but I wasn't going to gamble with my child's and your happiness just to find out. That's a big risk that I'd rather not take. I'm sorry I didn't come to you, but I knew I wouldn't have a choice after you knew. I thought I could spare you loosing another child, and I'm sorry it happened the way it did. I wanted my conscious to be the only thing suffering."  
  
"I'm sorry that you didn't think you had a choice, Abby," he says. Oh God, he said my name! It's been such a long time since I've heard him say my name.  
  
But I still stand there looking at him silently. What am I supposed to say, that it's not his fault I was afraid of him?  
  
"I think you were right," he says. "I wouldn't have let you make a choice. Maybe it's a good thing that things happened like they did. You wouldn't have been a good mother anyway if you were forced into it. You would have resented me as well."  
  
"But you still resent me," I said. It's true, and he knows it, so he better not deny it. I don't like liars.  
  
"Part of me does, and it's going to be hard for me to get over. It just shocked me to know that you could even think about doing that to our baby, but I guess I understand why."  
  
"Can you ever forgive me?" Please say yes. Please say yes...  
  
"I think so. It might take a while, but I want to try. Carter's right. I shouldn't throw away everything we have because of my pride."  
  
My composure is totally gone now. I let out a sigh and wrap my arms around his waste, burrying my face into his chest. I start to cry, but only a little.  
  
"Thank you so much," I say, though I don't know if her heard me because his shirt muffled the sound of my voice. He just kisses the top of my head.  
  
~  
Luka and I rode down in the elevator together, but he has to set off to work the second we step off. He smiles at me just before he walks away. It's a sight I never thought I'd see again.  
  
Now it's not so hard to face my coworkers. Although there is one I need to talk to.  
  
I find Carter at the water fountain. He's wiping water off his chin.  
  
"Hey," I say as I approach him.  
  
"Hey," he smiles back. "I saw Luka go up to the roof after you. How'd it go?"  
  
"It went great. We're gonna try and work things out," I explain.  
  
"That's great. I'm glad I could help."  
  
"Yeah. Um, I was wondering if we could talk about that. You really put your ass on the line for me."  
  
"What are friends for?" he smiles again.  
  
"Did you mean what you said, about me?"  
  
He becomes more serious. "Yeah, I did."  
  
"How come you never told me?"  
  
"Because I saw how happy you were with Luka, and that's what really mattered to me. Besides, why would I want to ruin what we have? You're my best friend, Abby. I don't want that to end."  
  
"You're my best friend too, Carter. Thank you."  
  
"Don't worry about it. I'm just glad I could help you."  
  
"I owe you one," I tell him.  
  
"Yeah I know," he replies. "I'm keeping tabs."  
  
I give him a hug and a smile. He really is my best friend, I wasn't just saying that. I can't believe he got through to Luka. He really came through for me, and I hope I can return the favor someday. 


End file.
